theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
