my phone needs a breathalizer
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
