I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
