So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
