I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
