How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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