You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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