WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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