omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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