They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
My room smells like vodka and shame
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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