i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
this boner is exhausting
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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