when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
