My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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