The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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