How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
