I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
