I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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