You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
