Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
