Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
