Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I wear drunk well.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
