you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
