You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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