you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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