Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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