I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
