The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
