The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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