He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
