tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
