I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
