I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
