My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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