Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
