nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
