He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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