I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
