She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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