i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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