Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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