alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
