My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
