I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
