He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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