Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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