my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
