i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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