I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
