Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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