Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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