i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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