if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
